Tea: Rooibos Sea Buckthorn
Being the masochist I am, I watched Suicide Squad yesterday and before I get into this movie, let me tell you that I am neither a fan of the comics nor of any specific character, since so many seem to idolise Harley Quinn these days. I went into this movie to be entertained, I did not expect another Dark Knight, but at least an entertaining experience. Was this delivered? Hell no! This movie is a glorious mess from start to finish and now let me show you why.
The titular Suicide Squad is assembled due to the fear of super human beings like Superman attacking the American nation and the choice to combat them is to fight fire with fire, namely people with extraordinary abilities, sometimes super human, sometimes only really really well trained people. Part of this task force are: Deadshot who is really good at shooting and nothing else, Harley Quinn who is um… hot? (I really don’t know what she is, she seems a bit stronger than a normal human, but I don’t really know), Killer Croc who is half reptile and can swim underwater and other crocodile stuff, Captain Boomerang (my god, that name…) an Australian (of course) who can throw sharp boomerangs, El Diablo a guy who can do fire stuff but vows not to, because the last time he did his family got a little crispy, and the Enchantress an ancient evil sorceress who is only controlled through her dusty old heart. These are the “bad people” Amanda Waller assembles and on her side she has the most American soldier since Captain America who is called Rick Flag of all things and an Asian character called Katana (which I already said in a series of tweets is a stupid name). Oh, I almost forgot Slipknot a character that receives no introduction at all and dies five minutes later. “Man, this movie is so serious anyone can die at all times.”… The basic premise is that the evil enchantress manages to free herself from the grip of Waller and then begins building a weird laser beam-trash machine to do something which is never properly explained, either enslave or destroy humanity. The Suicide Squad then heads out to face this dangerous threat and the ride begins.
– Look at these guys. Just focus on one of them at a time and you will notice how weirdly positioned they all are. Also putting Slipknot (far left) on the poster is blatantly lying. –
I don’t quite know where to start with this movie, since there are so many things I’d like to address. First and foremost, one of the most important aspects to me is dialogue and lucky for me this movie has no dialogue I could judge. There is no exchange between characters that feels like a conversation, talking serves one of two purposes: Exposition or one-liners and sometimes both are combined. Harley Quinn is the worst offender in this regard as she constantly spouts one-liners that are neither funny nor witty and most of the time make you want to curl into a ball and fold your ears like an origami. Since there is no dialogue at all the entire movie never really moves. It is hard to describe, everything feels as if it is just railroading along a set track. Sure, things happen, but always in such tightly contained environments, character never move inside a world I could imagine. Sequences take place in settings and then other events happen in other places, everything is so inorganic and forced. Also darkness…. This movie is dark, I mean visually dark. Every scene feels artificially darkened, scenes outside, scenes set in lit rooms, scenes with enormous fires and everything is still dark.
– How can people defend this? This is cringeworthy and not hot. –
Let’s talk about the cast then. There is a very clear distinction between which characters are relevant and which are just there. Those that get attention get more screen time, more “dialogue”, and what I would only under the pressure of a gun pressed against my chest call “characterisation”. There is an attempt to evolve characters, at least some, but it so badly executed it makes no sense for their characters at all. One exception is quite alright, not exceptionally done, but not horrible either, but the others are so sloppy in their development you almost feel the paper of the script trying to cope with the bullshit. It is an interesting idea to make villains the main characters of a movie, but if you then romanticise these villains so much until there is nothing villainous left but the revelation that they are all good at heart somewhere, then the entire moral challenge and appeal is lost and you might as well just have sent Batman in to deal with the problem. Will Smith who plays Deadshot played a Will Smith role, nothing more. Margot Robbie plays Harley Quinn as horrible as one could imagine, but she wears short shorts so every fan will obviously love her “performance”. But let’s talk about the big elephant in the room: Jared Leto’s Joker. First of all, he is not in the movie for a long time. His total screen time would amount to roughly 10 minutes, I’d say. But when he was there, boy, was it ever hilarious. This is the most try-hard performance I have seen in years. The Joker he portrays is eccentric, but in such a hilariously overdone way it is laughable. He often makes these weird ecstatic growling noise when talking to people and I had to giggle every time. I do not need to go into detail why his character design is absolutely horrible, since it is all so beautifully summed up by the “Damaged” tattoo on his forehead. Apparently there was a lot cut out of the movie that involved him and all I am wondering is, if they could not have cut more. But at least he was fun, in a way that watching a shipwreck is kind of fun.
– If you really want a laugh out of the Joker, research Leto’s preperatory work for the role, it’s hilariously try-hard and obnoxious. –
The next nail in the coffin is the soundtrack. I have to assume it was added after the immense success of the trailers that featured songs like “Bohemian Rhapsody” and “Ballroom Blitz” and other songs that appeal to the masses (I am not saying they are bad, I love Queen). And I hope you liked them, because you will hear most of them in this movie. I kid you not, there are scenes that have licensed music put over them, like Eminem, with no connection to the scene whatsoever. It starts and plays just enough for you to recognise it and then just cuts out. This is one of the worst implementations of music in a motion picture that I have ever seen. This is what happens when marketing departments have a major say in the creation of a movie: “Oh the trailer with the music had over 66 million views, just do that in the movie then we will make over 66 million dollar for sure.”
– I also hope you like cut-content, since this scene and a load of others that were in the trailer are simply not there. Talk about great advertising. –
Then we have to talk about the editing, sorry I know, something you usually never want to talk about, but it is such a problem here. There are “wacky” edits all over the place. Just look at this scene and you also get a taste of the hilarity that is the Joker: Torture. These kinds of weird visual edits are all over the movie and my god are they annoying. They serve no purpose whatsoever and only make already unbearable scenes visually unattractive. And since I was forced to pay for and watch this mess in 3D, let’s quickly talk about that: It sucks! Everything does not feel like 3D, rather like I am looking into a miniature version of the movie played inside a shoebox. I do not feel immersed, I feel robbed.
I can’t really talk about the plot holes without spoiling them, so let’s just say there are a lot of them. They are of the in-your-face quality and thus are rather glaring. So if everything is shit, are there no redeeming qualities? Not really, two only: I liked Killer Crocs make-up, since it was not CG and the general design of the Enchantress. That is it. I was not drooling over Harley Quinn’s post production shortened shorts. I did not sympathise with anyone. The shifts in tone were too drastic to be taken seriously. I felt as if I watched two very different movies crammed into one with the bad parts of both making the final cut.
– Impressive make-up. Credit were credit is due. At least someone at the set knew what they were doing. –
And since I am already heated up, let’s talk about fans. Fans of the movie who have petitioned to take down a site that simply collects reviews across the internet and combines them into a score (I am talking about Rotten Tomatoes). They feel as if these negative reviews are unjustified since the movie is “objectively great” and the critics only hate it because it is a DC film, critics that praised the Dark Knight, a DC film. So DC, do not worry, you have an army of ignorant little fans that will deny the very reality they inhabit as long as you keep making movies with scantily dressed comic book characters in them. Appeal to their lowest common denominator, never challenge them, never risk something, and always stick to the horrible amalgamation-formula you keep vomiting out. Rely on the marketing and PR department, because they are sure to know how to make a proper movie. Screw directors, what do they know? Be more like Marvel, even though the tone is completely incompatible with these characters. Why innovate when you can just copy what makes money? These fans will see it and will make sure to spam every review site with positive 10/10s until the movie has the objective score it deserves. This is the time to be alive. Movies get made and people defend them solely because of the source material. “Screw the actual movie, it is based on the thing I like.” We have made it, alchemy never needed chemistry, but superhero movies. They have successfully turned something absolutely worthless into pure gold. Thank you DC-fans!
Image sources in order appearance:
- http://www.suicidesquad.com/assets/images/gallery/13.jpg (Last date of access: 18.08.2016)
- https://i.ytimg.com/vi/5AwUdTIbA8I/maxresdefault.jpg (Last date of access: 18.08.2016)
- https://wallpaperscraft.com/image/suicide_squad_joker_jared_leto_103388_3840x2400.jpg (Last date of access: 18.08.2016)
- http://static.srcdn.com/wp-content/uploads/Jared-Leto-Joker-Suicide-Squad-Trailer-MTV.jpeg (Last date of access: 18.08.2016)
- http://static.srcdn.com/wp-content/uploads/Suicide-Squad-Movie-Killer-Croc-Origin.jpg (Last date of access: 18.08.2016)